Dearest Old Navy,

You have been a longtime friend to me. For years, I have faithfully shopped with you, spent thousands of dollars and donated hundreds maybe even thousands by now to goodwill (due to my incorrigible shopping habits) When we first met, it was love at first sight. You had the coolest tricks in town, the best prices… and your clothing was beyond worthy of my well-earned dollars. That was something like 8 yrs ago.

It is for these reasons, what I have to tell you might come as a shock. Now, Ive been holding this back for quite a long time. Its finally gotten to a point where I can no longer remain silent. I regretfully inform you that I am leaving you for another. Well… several others, actually. The reason? Over the years, I have witnessed your quality go down the tubes… which has been saddening to say the least. For instance, the tank tops I always buy (in many hues of cornea fusing shades) have become well… flimsy. I have bought three black ones, coz they keep ending up with friggon holes. 2 Blue ones besides, for the same reason. When I first started collecting these tanks, the total which ranks to startling numbers, the fabric was thick, and the fit was much tighter and held its shape much better. In fact, I still own one of these originals, and I solemnly look upon it, and wish for a time that once was. A time that will most likely never be again.

While I still buy these tank tops (and most likely will continue to as time goes on, here and there) I refuse to spend more than $8 bucks for them, and only buy them anymore when I have a coupon code, or they are on sale. They’re good for lounging about and whatnot, but they’re not worth more than 8 dollars, considering how well they hold up. I might as well piss kerosene on Ben Franklin’s and set them aflame.

Now, this little fact of the matter, I could easily accept. No big deal, we can’t always have our way. And I can dig on that. If it were only that fact of the matter….

I began noticing other trends…. your prints… your styles… your flimsy fabrics became a staple of your shopping catalog. I can’t recall the last time I bought a shirt other than those cornea fusing colored tanks. Hey, I know what you’re gonna say…. well, the economy is bad, and blahblahblah…. we had to make cuts for profit purpose and blahblahblah. Not to mention, some inane bullcrap about the 70s making a comeback to blow up our bums. Those ARE NOT good excuses to feed your customers CRAP! Esp the paying ones. Esp when the price didn’t drop. And esp when you keep cooler and higher quality items for your sister stores and price them at 100000$!!! (ok thats a bit of an exaggeration but…. still. I will not pay 100$ for a single top, you insane people)

Also, I think you’re taking your name “Old Navy” a little too literally these days as well. It used to be you featured millenium-appropriate clothing. But now…. you see, theres a reason those prints and styles went out in the 70’s – they weren’t cool then, either. Its like afro’s… some things should be left dead, like the horrible carrot, baby-shit green and pee yellow color schematics of that era. This is the millenium… I dont wanna dress like the mom from the Brady Bunch, thanks.

So, I began shopping for tops at different places – Body Central… as well as Fredericks of Hollywood (at least, those are the typical haunts these days – or anywhere I catch stuff that floats my boat) It’s a pretty safe bet anywhere but your store, sadly enuff.

But that wasnt even the last straw for me. I held steadfast and continued to shop in spite of that…. but…

Finally, you did the unthinkable. Not only did you take away my awesome tops, but now the bottoms too! Now, Im an avid jeans addict – I have 20 pairs sitting in my bedroom right now (and countless others Ive donated) Alas, I look upon your jeans section these days with grave distress and mourning. Skinny jeans? You have got to be KIDDING ME! Didn’t those go out in the 80s? Hey, I love the 80s too, but not THAT much. Bootcut all the way! And the other heinous fad you also started carrying is “drawstring jeans” WTF was the idiot that thought that was a good idea? Do you know how sloppy drawstrings on jeans look? What’s next, farmer’s overalls???? Ive waited …. for months…. in hopes that new arrivals would show up. Alas, all that ever does show up…. more skinny jeans, drawstring jeans, flared 70’s Im too cool for my afro jeans and the “jeans your mom would wear” dreamer rise that you carry the most of anymore. Yeah, I tried a pair of those… and brought them back before I hurled all over them. It was a close call, but fortunately, I managed in the nick of time.

Now I spose I could shop at the Gap (and occasionally actually do) But, sorry… I don’t do preppy. Most of the clothing at the gap comes across as snobby and stuffy to me. Id die if I ever wore an argyle cardigan :makes horrible wretching sounds: Athleta… yeah, there is some cool stuff there…. if I wanna sell my firstborn for it (I do not) All coz u feed the public some bs about them being anti-microbial. Shit, Ill take my chances…. cotton never steered me wrong or made me dead.

Sadly, Ive finally come to terms with it – old navy has become a graveyard for old women who are stuck in the 70’s. So, Ive started buying jeans at Alloy now… as they actually have CUTE JEANS… and many of which are even lower priced than yours (not that it matters, really… Id gladly pay 40$ for jeans that I absolutely LOVE, rather than ones I merely settled for)

I sincerely hope you will bring in some REAL clothes soon… coz if not…. do you hear that sound? Its the sound of my dollars, flapping out of your window. And I should tell you, I dont buy clothes coz I need them…. I buy em out of compulsion. But hey, your loss… not mine. Other stores will be glad to feed my addiction.

That is all I have to say.

Sincerely,
A irritated snake