OMG HOW I HATE PLAMETTO BUGS! What’s that, you ask??

Ok, so not everyone has heard of the Palmetto bug. If you’ve ever been to, or lived in Florida, or similar climates such as Texas, chances are you have had a close encounter with one before. So before I get to my rant, let me explain what they are to the ones who haven’t: GIANT cockroaches that are actually indigenous to Africa.

Now, let me explain WHY I hate them so, and why they are the most disgusting creature on the face of the Earth.

1: Their FREAKISHLY large size – The image above shows the actual size of one. Think that’s an exaggeration?

I KID YOU NOT

2: Not only are they GROTESQUELY LARGE, but they fly, thus giving them a definitive advantage over you and your piddly little self that’s grounded. And they will seek out height, coz they know you are incapable of defying gravity.

Ok that’s not a big deal right? You can still squash them and step on them when they’re on the ground….. THINK AGAIN.

3: They are supernatural. I am not shitting you when I say this. I have smacked them with shoes, and watched them disappear into thin air on plenty of occasions. They have the ability to crawl at alarming speed. And IF THOSE things aren’t bad enuff, IVE EVEN severed their heads and watched them walk off with my own two eyes.

4: Oh no, I’m not done. Not only are they SUPERNATURAL… but theyre intelligent. They lie in wait and plot ambushes. As mentioned already, it will seek height to foil your plots to destroy it – or it will run and hide in places where you cannot get to it. If you missed it with the shoe, and it managed to get away, you are in deep shit now. The only thing you can do is stare at the walls all nite long, don’t sit back in your chair… and while Im not a fervent believer in God Almighty, PRAY…. coz its staring at you…. from a place you don’t notice it staring at you… waiting for the perfect moment to lunge itself at you, with its horrid wings, and land on you with its extreme grossness. It happened to me once.

5: Just like the cockroach…. IT CARRIES DISEASE. And if they happen to harbor up and take residence in your cabinets, they leave lovely droppings everywhere. With a normal roach, they’re miniscule in size — with palmettos, they are nearly the size of rat droppings. Unlike the common roach tho, they don’t necessarily live in houses or stay for long periods of time, and are not a sign of an unkempt household. Palmettos generally come in when its cold outside, or otherwise, raining a lot. They seek the warmth of the house, and usually surface inside, near water sources — the kitchen around the sink, or in the bathroom, most commonly.

Ive been plagued with these bugs my entire life. And it comes down to one thing when dealing with them – KILL OR BE KILLED. Or grossed out by it touching you anyway and possibly bitten by its freakishly large mutant mouth. Ive never been bitten myself but…. Ive heard… stories O.o

I sat and watched my poor mother do battle with one when I was about 10 yrs old, which was in the living room…. me, freaking out and screaming on the couch. And sadly… the first couple shots she took, she MISSED. What did it do?? IT FLEW and LANDED ON HER BACK. Then I watched in utter awe (mouth prolly agape, even tho when a Palmetto is involved, an open mouth is never a smart idea LOL) and I saw my mom turn into SHE RA and rip her godamn shirt right off herself LOL I don’t need to tell you how friggon hilarious that was, and the poor woman never lived it down for as long as she lived. But as funny as it is, it also carries a more serious message with it that should not be ignored — do whatever you have to do to kill the damn thing. Lest you be left with the PTSD recurring from the damn thing touching you.

Another most notable battle. In my old house, it was a dark and stormy night…. ok… not stormy lol but dark anyway. And there must have been a female letting off pheromones in the house, because…. I am not playing….. we had to kill like 50-100 of them. They just KEPT coming. It got to the point where we were killing them so much that nite, we started doing so with STYLE! Half turn and smack! Smack one on the wall and it just neatly dropped into the toilet! I even threw a can of shaving cream at one haphazardly and killed it dead. And one of my dogs was even taking part in the killing, as well.

Ive gotten to the point where I will let any other bug live… EVEN SPIDERS (as long as they’re not dangerous types) except the palmetto. If I see one, murderous rage sets in, and I must set out to destroy it…. lest I not sleep that nite while its alive in my house. Ive even gotten inventive about how I kill them…. Ive drowned them in boiling hot water…. Ive squashed them, sliced them in half with butter knives…. Ive shoved them down drains and drowned them in bleach. I DO NOT play games when it comes to them. And nothing brings out my violence more LOL

And the reason for this rant? In the last week and half, like 10 have been killed. I just had one CRAWL out of my purse in the bathroom (I smashed its brains in for having the gaul to touch my purse) Ive gone THREE FRIGGON YEARS in this house, and barely an incident with any. Now all of a sudden, its like they’re taking over. So now its all out war… and godammit, I’m going to win…. coz I have something they don’t — POISON! AND lots and lots of CAULK!!!

So let this be a warning to ANYONE who hasn’t a clue what it is – if you see one, don’t ask questions…. just kill it.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by DI – if its a palmetto, it should DIE!