So, sit down kids, while Iggy tells the tale of her running the roads today, after spending much time being all nocturnal like. I havent spent much time in actual sunlight, in like 2 mos…. seriously. In fact, Im fairly suspicious that I might turn into a gremlin now (but at least the fear of the sun exploding me into oblivion abated… and no, I dont sparkle in it, either)

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away (from my office anyway) I decided to go run some errands. Among these errands, included going to a huge Borders on Ft Lauderdale beach, to locate a book for C4d (I figured if anyone would have it, it would be the ginormous, snobby bookstore of the city) I also had to make a deposit at the bank. So whooosh, off we went.

We get to borders with its flashy two storeyness and promises of any book you could ever dream of. I locate the “computer geek paradise” (actually referred to as the computer reference section) and BEHOLD… the holy grail of all book stores. They’ve got books on max, photoshop and Zbrush en masse. Wanna learn Dreamweaver, Flash or Cold Fusion? You’d have 40 different books to choose from! They even had programming books for every form of code you could ever dream of learning…. as well as sql. but ! godammit…. no C4D book. Drove 17 miles…. in the end of summer high noon sun, uphill both ways (no seriously, uphill… its on the intercoastal, so had to drive over a drawbridge lol) for naught!

Borders – Ft Lauderdale Intercoastal

Next stop was the bank, which was, amusingly and unbeknownst to anyone, 10 meters from borders, according to the gps. Handy! Now, we bank at Bank of America, which has these nifty ATM’s you can do a deposit at, and enter fat wads of cash all at once, and a crapload of checks to boot, and it sees all that junk! Its very fast and handy, not to mention accurate, and it even prints out a little reciept with all the check images on it! BUT!!! Not this friggon one!!! No, it was the retarded stepchild of the normal ATM’s at our bank, and it made us enter the 7 checks 1…. by…. 1 (even noah got 2 by 2, geez) In the end of summer, high noon, hot florida sun. Weee!

So, since the Galleria was right there, I thot to myself… “Self, I wonder if they have a bookstore inside?” Now, the Galleria is a mall where all the rich people go to shop.  You can merely gaze upon it and catch a waft of the smell of money floating on the floridian seabreeze. In fact, my dad used to shop there (which says a lot to me, but you prolly dont really get all that) But anyway, I digress. We toddle into the Galleria, and locate the little directory. Not. 1. friggon. bookstore. in. the. whole. damn. place. Which started a whole debate on whether rich people read or, just had their hired poor peoples read to them. Or just didnt bother to read anymore, coz they dont need to improve anything, as he with the most money, wins…. or some crap. I would think they’d instatiably read, with nothing better to do with their time (aside from shopping at the snobby mall, of course)

The Galleria Mall in Ft Lauderdale

So, we leave the galleria, and drive by Ft Lauderdale beach (it was how we had to go to get back west) And we catch a glimpse of the strangest freakin vehicle ever – it was a bus, it was a boat…. it was a boatbus (basically, a boat fused to a wheel frame of like something between a mack truck and a lawnmower) In fact, I dubbed it that… boatbus (not to be confused with shortbus…. or maybe it should have been…. hmmm) Anyway, the boatbus, which was some hokey tour bus en route without passengers, nearly assaulted us, by cutting into our lane (on my side, no less), coz the driver was clearly and obviously inept at driving boatbuses. It was also very loud, this boatbus…. it was blaring obnoxious callypso music or some crap, so that everyone’s car radios were overtaken by the noise. Methinks boatbus was overcompensating…. but thats just a theory.                              

Behold!!! the boatbus…

picture not by me. Apparently, this thing gets around a lot…..

So then, we’re driving to barnes and noble, yet another bookstore to search for the bra that fits… errr.. i mean the C4D book (shit, Im getting my storylines confused here… chuckles at Ann) We get a red light, and this mack truck (not to be confused with boatbus) pulls up next to us. Im sitting there all unawares…. window wide open, and I catch this waft of a smell — and it wasnt the money from the Galleria this time…. oh no, I couldnt be so lucky. Instead, this smell resembled what a diaper genie smells like when you dont clean it out fast enuff. But tenfold. It was HORRIBLE!!!! I rolled up the window, once again, end of summer high noon sun in Florida. To hell with it tho, Ill die of the heat before the smell. Alas… IT PERSISTED! THRU THE WINDOW!!! The light must have been laughing its ass off at me holding my nose and making all kinds of stinky gestures at the horrible stench (not even the bog of eternal stench could have been that bad) coz it freaking REFUSED to change. It must have made us wait something like 7 minutes, taunting me…. or what felt like 7 minutes anyway, next to the horrible poopy truck. When the light changed, I yelled OMG GO FAST! Get away from that guy! The poopy truck was in the going right lane, but IT TURNED LEFT WITH US INSTEAD!! And Im all omfg nooooooooooooooo!!!!!! I am fairly suspicious that he noticed my grossed out gestures, and did it on purpose. Thankfully, we smoked his ass with a quickness, so we didnt have to sit next to it again. And it led me to ponder aloud rather rhetorically, whether or not he got my reaction from alllll the people he drove up next to…. or HELL, even within a 5 mile radius.

I dont have a picture of that, sadly…. but youd have to smell it anyway, to fully grasp it.

So, now we have a boatbus, and a poopytruck. WTF?

Soooo, to barnes and noble we finally get. And I mistakingly start at the other end of the store, and searched everywhere…. only to find the section i was looking for in the last part I hadnt searched, on the other side of the store. Doh. Annnnnnnnnd…. heres the clencher…. NO CINEMA 4D BOOK…. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH! But every other friggon book known to man.

Tell me whyyyyyyyy something as mainstream as C4D is, is not on any bookstore shelves? WTF???

Finally, I gave up the ghost and went home empty handed. No book, and only the warm, glowing memories of retarded boatbus and poopy truck. I couldve DIED TWICE (once from boatbus, and the other from the stench) and had nothing to show for it.

Shoot me now….